So I have a terrible confession and its one that I am super
not proud of but here it goes. Its not a
huge secret that I haven’t posted anything for an extremely long time but it’s
the reason behind why I haven’t posted is my dirty little shame! The next holiday
I needed to post about was actually Christmas but the reason why I haven’t
posted anything is because I had my motifs all ready to go out including the
card but they just didn’t get sent out. Part of my family actually
visited mid January and I was going to give them the cards at that time, but I
felt stupid for being so late. But the biggest reason I didn’t give them out
then was because after hearing them talk
about all the Christmas gifts they gave each other like refrigerators and foreign
vacation trips I felt so horrible that the
only thing we could afford to give out was tatted dodads I was beyond crushed. I was completely devastated
that my sister was able to give such extravagant gifts to our parents and I was
going to hand them a stupid card with a stupid lil thing inside, so I didn’t
even bother to give them out.
Unfortunately, this is just the beginning of my massive
shame. Come Valentines day I had my motifs ready to go but I couldn’t come up
with a card and I was still feeling stupid about not giving out any Christmas
gifts and not even sending out any cards
that I was too embarrassed to send these out.
I can carry over this same shame clear into October. I had St.
Patricks, Easter, and 4th of July motifs all ready but I just couldn’t
bring myself to send them out. I guess
the good news is I have a jump on my motifs for 2020 so I guess we will have to
wait and see how that turns out.
I guess partly in my defense we had a pretty horrific 2019. My
daughter gave me my first blood grandbaby in April. She was born a month early under an emergency
situation. Both baby and momma did exceptionally well under the circumstances and
recovered fairly quickly and were released from the hospital within a week.
Both did really well for a couple months until my daughter was in a horrific car
wreck with baby in the back seat. Thankfully baby was strapped into a car seat
(one of the safest rated on the market) and just ended up with scratches and
hopefully no long-term issues due to shaken baby. Momma however ended up with
several massive deep cuts and a pelvis that got broken and fractured in several
places. I have never felt so helpless in my whole life as what followed in the
next couple months. I live in Washington while the rest of my family lives in
Idaho and I had already taken time off work for the baby shower and the birth
and visiting just the month before, so it was extremely difficult for me to travel
again. Thankfully my parents are both retired and have a house where they have
a room that is wheelchair accessible, so they were able to take both momma and
baby in. It was a huge undertaking because moms’ milk never came in so they had
to run up and down the stairs making bottles. My daughter wasn’t allowed to
stand up any longer than it took to transfer from the wheelchair to the toilet and then straight back to laying down so baby had to sleep with my parents which meant that they had to get
up for the night feedings. My daughter ended up completely out of commission for 4 whole months which encompasses so
much like getting her and baby to doctors’ appointments, all meals for mom and
baby, bathing’s, jeez the list goes on and on. My daughter also has 2 other kids/toddlers
that she has raised as her own for the last 6 years and that can be figured in
that mix.
I was only able to go back once during that time so add more
shame, guilt, remorse pretty much every demeaning adjectives you can use to my
low self-esteem. My self-esteem has always been excessively low anyway but it
is pretty much rock bottom right now.
In the midst of all
this our well house floor caved in causing the filter system to sustain damage which in turn caused electrolysis in our
water system which caused leaks to start forming in the copper pipes in the
house which means we had water spraying out behind walls . During the appointment
for the estimate the contractor ended up finding our 2000 square foot deck was
attached to the house instead of being anchored to a beam and that all the snow
that we had during winter was so heavy that it had begun to pull the deck away from the house which means it
started pulling the house down the hill with it. Insurance got involved which
covered replacing the deck and the damage to the house but not the plumbing. So
while the work on the deck was going on we took on the task of replacing all
the copper pipes throughout our entire 3000 square foot, 2 story house.
We hired someone to do the plumbing and plumbers are in such
high demand that they can pretty much name their own price…translation...freaking expensive and hard to come by. Since the plumbing was so hideously expensive,
we took on the task of cutting out and redoing the sheet rock throughout the
whole house. What a nightmare mess, I am quite certain we will be finding sheet
rock dust till the end of time, I will be looking at the crappy job we did and
kicking myself for not trying harder but at least we still aren’t done with all
the rooms yet. The deck took the entire summer, April till mid-September so we
didn’t get to enjoy it at all.
Quite a few of us suffer with major panic/anxiety attacks and
severe depression and the accident has exacerbated them. Several of our family members went through some
very emotional stuff this past year. Its never easy to see the ones you love go
through pain and heart ache and it was a very tough year for both.
Work has been extremely difficult on lots of levels. My boss
is a very challenging person to work for. He is a very “this 5 minute” kind of
person, he doesn’t much think beyond the exact moment he is in, he doesn’t
think how his actions or words from this
minute will effect the next 5 minutes. He wants it all and he wants it right
this second. He changes his mind and his direction so drastically and so often
that it is very difficult to keep up. He has decided to expand the business into
several different directions, like taking on general construction, doing pedestrian
door and gates and doing commercial as well as residential work. So this
translates into all of us learning completely new things while trying to keep up
with our already overwhelming loads of work.
I am sorry, I just realized I have been rambling on and on and
whining when I should be very thankful that I even have a roof over my head, a
job that pays the bills and a growing family that is fairly healthy . So I will
quit ranting and call this a long enough post for now. Hopefully I will have time to post more soon. We have been working pretty much every single day for the last several months trying to get caught up on finances so we don't have much free time now days.
